The Hitchhiker's Guide to TorchWho
by TheDoctorWood
Summary: The Doctor picks up hitchhikers looking for a ride ro Magrathea and things get crazy! Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Jack/Doctor, Everyone/Greek Gods. Yep, they get transported to the trojan war.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Hello everyone, I'm TheDoctorWood and this is the first fanfiction I've ever written. It is a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy/Torchwood/Doctor Who crossover with a twist. I hope you all enjoy it, comments and crit are like the elixir of life to me right now because I'm just beginning my journey as a fanfiction writer. **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters or original content of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Torchwood, or Doctor Who.  
**

The Doctor leaned over the console of the TARDIS, tears brimming in his eyes, as he pressed the buttons to leave this awful place forever. The screams of those poor people still echoed in his ears, as cybermen and daleks raged through the streets of London, killing everyone they could. It hurt so much to know he would never see her bright smile again, hear her bell-like laugh ringing through the dark corners of the TARDIS as they joked together, hold her, as she cried, when an innocent person was hurt on one of their excursions. His beloved, tender, sweet, beauti- _BANG!_

The TARDIS shook violently, nearly sending the Doctor flying, as sparks erupted everywhere. "What?" said the Doctor, thoroughly confused, as the ship ground to a halt in some completely random point in time and space. The Doctor checked his monitors. Apparently some very strong signal had disrupted the flight course of the TARDIS and drawn it down so that the source of the signal was just outside the door. The Doctor ran to the door of the TARDIS, intent on looking to see where he had just landed, when there was a loud knocking from the other side. _Knock, knock._ The Doctor froze. _'Who would be able to stop the TARDIS in mid flight, and was now __**knocking**__ at the door? Well, looks like I'm gonna find out now, eh?'_ he thought. Plastering on a smile, he strode towards the door, grasped the handle, and pulled it to him.

The sight that greeted him was not the one he had been expecting. Usually when something had enough power to stop a TARDIS mid-flight, it looked sinister, evil, and very often, some unpleasant shade of green. However, what waited just outside the space ship's doors were 5 people…well 4 people and 1 android.

The only woman in the group stepped forward. "Hello! I'm Trillian," she said boldly, holding out a slender hand to the Doctor.

"Well, 'ello! I'm the Doctor" he replied, and shook her hand. This one was definitely human; American, judging by her accent. She stepped back, and the others took this as their cue to introduce themselves. A man in his early thirties, with wavy brown hair, looked very confused as he held out his hand to the Doctor. "Arthur Dent," he said in a distinctly British accent.

"Pleasure, Arthur."

A man with long scraggly blond hair and a huge, dumb grin on his stubbly face extended his hand to the Doctor. "I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox, president of the Galaxy." Obviously _not_ human, though oddly enough, he had a southern American accent.

"Well that's quite the title."

"Ford Prefect," said the last man. This one was holding a flowery towel and a little electronic book with the words "**Don't Panic"** emblazoned on the cover. The Doctor immediately recognized the book as "_The Hitchhiker's Guide the Galaxy_," having himself been interviewed extensively for most of the articles in it. So, this motley crew were hitchhikers. _"Oh boy, I'm in for a wild ride,"_ thought the Doctor.

Trillian glanced with distaste at the android that was staring morosely at the ground. "That sad excuse for a robot over there is Marvin."

"Actually, I'm an android, not that you care," sighed Marvin in a depressed tone. The other four groaned.

"Well, nice to meet you all, I'm the Doctor. What can I do for you this…" He glanced at the sky of the planet, looking for an indication of the time.

"Evening." Ford offered.

The Doctor nodded in thanks and looked expectantly at the group, waiting for their answer.

They all looked around at each other, waiting for someone to speak. It was the Zaphod fellow who finally broke the silence. "You see, Doctor-whoever-you-are—"

"Just the Doctor, actually."

"Ok, well, you see Doctor, we're sort of looking for a ride."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, to the long lost, maybe nonexistent planet of Margathea."

"Oh yeah, I know Slartibartfast. Great guy," the Doctor said, a flood of old memories coming back to him. They all stared at him blankly. "Anyway, I'll give you a lift. I"ll be going right past there anyhow, on my way to Barcelona-- the planet, not the city," he said, in response to Trillian and Arthur's confused looks. They obviously had not been travelling the universe for very long. "Well, come on in if you want a ride."

Zaphod and Ford walked right into the TARDIS without a moment's hesitation. Trillian quickly followed suit. Arthur, however, looked skeptically at the small phone box. "Um, Doctor, I don't think all of us are going to fit in there."

The Doctor winked and leaned in close to Arthur, "Trust me," he whispered.

Arthur shrugged and squeezed past the Doctor's shoulder, then stepped into the TARDIS thinking, _'Things cannot get any weirder, so why bother getting worked up in the first place?'_ However, as soon as the magnificent interior of the TARDIS registered in Arthur's somewhat unimaginative human brain, he got very worked up indeed, grasping on to Trillian's shoulders in order to steady himself.

Marvin stood on the ground outside the TARDIS and looked at the Doctor. "I don't suppose that it's bigger on the inside," he droned. The Doctor winked at him, then ushered the android through the door.

"So, all of you just take a seat or stand somewhere. In a few minutes you should be on the planet of Magrathea. And DON'T touch anything!" The Doctor directed his glance at Zaphod, who was excitedly looking at all the different buttons like a child looks at… well, buttons that can be pushed, and can cause unknown things to happen.

"To Magrathea!" shouted Zaphod, punching his fist in the air, with an over excited grin on his face.

"Why exactly do you want to get to Magrathea?" The Doctor asked politely, fiddling with knobs and dials on the console. Zaphod opened his mouth to speak, but then faltered, looking at his fellow friends for help.

"He doesn't know," said Marvin. "Pointless, isn't he?"

"Hey, I know that I need to _get_ there!" Zaphod said defensively. "I'm just not sure _why _I need to get there."

"Well, that's brilliant!" exclaimed the Doctor. "That's actually how I do most of my traveling. You see, if you know _why_ you need to be somewhere, there's no fun in it!"

Trillian looked up smiling from where she was sitting on the floor. "I agree. That's why I hopped on a spaceship with Zaphod last month. Just wanted an adventure. I didn't care where we were going or why."

"My kind of girl," the Doctor said. "Now, lets take off." He smacked a button with his palm, and suddenly the whole TARDIS began shaking as she took off. "Everyone grab onto something!"

Trillian grasped the pillar next to her, Arthur, one of the railings right next to Ford. Marvin had switched himself off, and cables had emerged from his feet, anchoring him to the floor of the TARDIS; his smart design was tailor-made for situations like this. Zaphod however, had not grabbed onto a pillar, nor had he grabbed a railing. And he did not have cables to bind him to the floor, (well at least not that he knew of-- and there was a _lot_ that he did not know of.) No, Zaphod grabbed the thing nearest to him, and that thing just happened to be a large lever on the console of the TARDIS. As the flying phone box leapt this way and that, Zaphod's firm grip yanked the lever from its intended position, setting the lot of them on a new and unknown course.

The TARDIS gave a loud groan of discomfort, and began to shake more violently. Things smacked against the outside panels, as the phone box zipped through wormholes and stars; past planets made of rubber, with lots of earthquakes; and moons inhabited entirely by ballpoint pens. As the TARDIS struggled to find a fixed energy point to land safely upon, it detected a spot of residual energy, locked on, and dragged itself, along with its terrified passengers through a rift in time and space.


	2. Chapter 2

Scene 2:FINISHED! Needs editing

Jack was in his office, finishing up some mind-numbing paperwork when he heard it. _CRASH!_ The sound echoed from above the high ceiling of the Torchwood Hub, sending the rift monitors haywire. In the autopsy room, Owen leapt, nearly stabbing himself in the eye with the scalpel, as he carefully worked on dissecting an alien corpse. Tosh's head snapped up from the alien artifact she was studying, and across the room, Ianto yelped, spilling scalding hot coffee all over his hand and the sleeve of his suit. The whole team rushed to the rift monitor to see what had just come through. " Looks like your doctor is back in town," said Tosh, bringing up the CCTV footage of the Plass. There, perched on top of the Torchwood base like an exotic flying bird, sat the TARDIS. A huge grin broke out across Jack's face. He reached for his coat and turned to run.

"And where do you think _you're_ going?" asked Ianto. The last time Jack had seen that spaceship, he had gone missing for 3 months, and Ianto was not having that again.

"Don't worry Ianto, I'll be right back." Jack leaned in and planted a small peck on Ianto's cheek, then leapt onto the lift, bubbling with anticipation at greeting the Doctor.

As Jack slowly ascended, he could barely contain himself. It had only been a few weeks since he had last seen the Doctor, but the man was magnetic, and Jack had missed him terribly. He strode towards the TARDIS purposefully, his greatcoat swishing in the cold evening wind. The door swung open and there was the Doctor, looking very bewildered, as he studied his surroundings. "Doctor!" Jack shouted, waving a hand. The Doctor's eyes lit up and he waved back, stepping out of the TARDIS.

"Jack, how have you been? Wow, I haven't seen you since… Wait, how did you know it was me?"

Jack looked at him, confused, and then he understood. The Doctor was on a different timeline. The last time the Doctor had seen Jack must have been at Satellite 5, when the daleks attacked. "Oh, well, you know, it's not _every _day that a blue police phone box comes out of the sky and lands on top of your workplace."

"Workplace?"

"Oh, yeah, Doctor, welcome to Torchwood Cardiff."

The Doctor's face twisted in horror. "You… You work for _Torchwood_?" he gasped. Just hours earlier, Torchwood had slaughtered thousands of people in front of him. He would never forget that, even if it _had_ been an accident.

"It's not what you think it is. I've changed Torchwood for the better, severed all ties with Torchwood London after Canary Wharf."

'_Of course,' _the Doctor thought. '_It was earlier today for me, but how long ago was it for Jack?' _ "What's the date Jack?"

"July 8th, 2008."

"Oh, I see. It's been one year in your time since I last visited. A few hours ago I was in London, England--July 8th 2007," the Doctor stated, his eyes beginning to moisten. Jack pulled his friend into a comforting hug. July 8th 2007 was the day of Canary Wharf. It was only then, looking over the Doctor's shoulder, that Jack noticed the other people piling out of the TARDIS. He released his hold on the Doctor, saying, "Well then, it appears you have neglected to introduce me to your friends! Hello all of you. Captain Jack Harkness, at your service!" He gave a flirtatious wink in the direction of the pretty young woman who had just stepped out of the TARDIS. The Doctor rolled his eyes; the Captain would never change, would he?

"Jack, this is Trillian, Arthur, Zaphod, Ford, and Marvin. They are some hitchhikers I picked up en route, and _that_ one," he pointed to Zaphod, "is the reason I just crash landed on top of your 'workplace'."

"Yeah, about that, what the hell happened?" Jack asked. The Doctor recounted the tale of picking up the hitchhikers and Zaphod's unfortunate incident with the lever.

"And, now the TARDIS is completely out of energy. She needs to refuel on the rift for at least 10 hours before she'll actually be fit to fly anywhere. Is there a chance that any of you know someplace where we can all sleep?"

"Well, you can come and spend the night in the hub! The whole team will be staying tonight, sort of a work/sleepover kind of thing. We were going to have pizza, drinks, and maybe watch some Monty Python," Jack said, excitedly. He was positively beaming at this opportunity for the team to meet the Doctor_. 'And hey, that Trillian girl was pretty hot. Perhaps he could convince her and Ianto… Well, later.'_

The whole time Jack and the Doctor were talking, the five hitchhikers were conversing quietly.

"Ford, this looks like Earth. This is Cardiff, Wales, Earth, Galactic ___Sector_ ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha," said Arthur, hurriedly. "But, it can't be, can it? The Vogons destroyed Earth yesterday!" Trillian leaned close to the group and whispered,

"If you would listen to their conversation, I think you would find that we have… Travelled back in time."

"Wait, time travel is… _real_?!" gasped Arthur.

"There were always rumors, I'd never gotten any confirmation, though," Ford responded.

"I just checked the databases of the entire planet, we are indeed in Cardiff, Wales on July 8th, 2008. Depressing isn't it?" Marvin grumbled.

"This is totally crazy, man," said Zaphod. "I must be the first President of the Galaxy to have gone back in time. That would make crazy headline news if we ever get back."

"Jesus, Zaphod, is your fame _all_ you think about?" Arthur asked, incredulously. Zaphod grinned and opened his mouth to respond, but Arthur cut him off before he could utter a sound. "Whatever. I already know your answer to that question. It doesn't matter, all that does is…Trillian," he turned to face her, "we're home!"

"Wait, Arthur," Trillian said. "If we're back on Earth in Cardiff 2008, doesn't that mean that we are ALSO in London on Earth in 2008, living our normal lives?" Their next thoughts were instantaneous and unanimous: _'Oh shit!'_ Although 3 of the 5 hitchhikers were not from Earth, they had all seen enough films about time paradoxes to recognize that they should be very worried.

"Trillian, why don't you ask the Doctor. It's his spaceship, so he should know the most about the situation," offered Arthur.

Marvin droned, "I doubt it." And promptly shut himself off again.

Trillian approached the Doctor.

"Excuse me Doctor, my friends and I just overheard your conversation, and we were concerned."

"Oh, course, why? What's wrong?"

"Well, my friends Arthur, Ford, and myself as well, are all from Earth, well… for all intents and purposes, and if I just overheard the date correctly, that means that the three of us are also wandering around somewhere on Earth, back in our original time." Both the Doctor's and Jack's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.

Jack moved without hesitation, leading everyone to the bay entrance, eager to conceal them from sight, before a large hole could potentially be ripped through the fabric of reality.

Jack lead them through the tourist office, down the stairs, and through the cog door. Turning back to face the Doctor and the hitchhikers, he said with a dramatic sweep of his hand, "Lady and gentlemen, welcome to Torchwood."

Arthur gasped. Never had he seen anything so grand, so big, and so underground-secret-base-like. Trillian looked around, thoroughly impressed, as something resembling a pterodactyl soared high above her head. Ford gripped his towel tightly, glancing around and seeing three other figures in the room. A man in a white doctor's labcoat, and a beautiful Asian woman both leaned over their desks, studiously doing what looked to Ford like _very_ serious work, while another young man typed furiously on the computer. None of them spared a glance toward the new comers. Marvin waddled over to the sofa and plopped down with a heavy sigh.

The Doctor leaned over to Jack and whispered, "Looks like the same old Torchwood to m--", but before he could finish his sentence, the entire Torchwood team burst out laughing. The man with the doctor's coat slammed his hands down on his desk, doubling up with laughter.

"Bloody hell, we are _rubbish_ at pretending to be serious," he gasped.

"I know, we can't even last for 2 minutes!" replied the Asian woman.

"I can understand Owen laughing, in fact, I'm surprised you can ever take yourself seriously, but Tosh, shame on you," said Ianto, playfully.

Owen scowled, "Watch it tea-boy."

"For the _last_ time, I make coffee. If you're going to insult me Owen, at least do it correctly. Otherwise you just embarrass yourself."

"Everything is depressing…" Marvin interjected from the sofa. The hitchhikers all rolled their eyes.

"So, Jack, are you going to introduce us?" Tosh asked politely.

"Oh, yeah sorry," Jack ran a hand through his hair. "Everyone, this is the Doctor, one of my dearest friends. Doctor, this is my team: Owen Harper, a fellow doctor like yourself; Toshiko Sato, computer genius and tech -- you two should get along brilliantly; and finally, Ianto Jones, archivist and field agent-- makes the best coffee known to this world, _and_ looks great in a suit." Jack gave Ianto a wink at this last comment, and Ianto flushed a deep shade of pink.

The Doctor gave a small wave to the team. "'ello everyone, I'm the Doctor."

"Gwen Cooper is police liaison, but she is on holiday with her fiancée for her birthday."

Trillian butted into the conversation here, tired of being left out of the loop. "Hi, I'm Tricia McMillan, Trillian for short. This here is Arthur Dent, Ford Prefect, Zaphod Beeblebrox, and the melancholy robot over there is Marvin."

"Android," Marvin corrected.

"Whatever. Anyway, we hitched a ride with the Doctor here, Zaphod touched something he shouldn't have, as _usual_, and messed everything up."

"And now the TARDIS has to refuel over night on the rift because she crash landed here," finished the Doctor.

"Right…Well, now that introductions are over with, who wants a coffee?" asked Ianto.

Everyone raised their hands, with the exception of the Doctor and Arthur, who both requested tea instead, causing Ianto to groan. Now he would _never _hear the end of Owen's nickname for him.

Ianto came back with the drinks and began to distribute them. Everyone was mingling and getting to know one another. The Doctor however had a few things on his mind.

"So Jack, why haven't you asked me about Rose, or you not being able to die? Either you've changed and are no longer the nosiest person alive, or you already know the answer," said the Doctor.

"Well… actually, Gwen would get the prize for nosiest person alive, but you're right, I've seen you before, and you told me then that Rose brought me back to life and is now stuck in a parallel world," Jack replied.

The Doctor sighed, fighting back tears. It was all so recent for him. He was still in shock after what had happened. "She's better off where she is now, with her family and Mickey."

"I know it's hard. It'll get better with time, though. Plenty of other beautiful young girls to go travelling with." Jack gave the Doctor a knowing wink.

Trillian was looking around with an amazed expression on her face. It was all a lot to take in at the moment: Time travel, an underground base in Cardiff, and so many hot men around the place! The Asian woman (Tosh, as Trillian recalled), was making her way across the room. "Hello, I'm Tosh."

"Trillian, nice to meet you." Trillian extended a hand.

"So, what do you think of it all?" asked Tosh.

"I don't know, it's all so…"

"Cliché?"

"Haha, yeah, a bit."

"Exactly what I thought when I came here. You don't ever expect that the secret underground base is actually going to look like it does in the movies, do you?"

"Or that the workers will be as handsome as movie stars."

"Yeah, it takes some getting used to. Makes you dress a lot more carefully for work, I can tell you that!" Both women laughed aloud. They talked on and on, telling one another about their lives, exchanging stories of aliens and adventures in space travel. When the conversation paused, they heard a loud yelp. Trillian looked around and laughed again.

"Oh dear God, Zaphod's showing Owen the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster."

"What, dare I ask, is that?" asked Tosh, somewhat nervously.

"Best drink in the world." Trillian said, unequivocally.

Owen yelled as the alcohol hit his brain. _'Damn, that's bloody amazing!' _he exclaimed. Zaphod and Ford had been discussing drinks when Owen had overheard and joined in to contribute what he _thought_ was his expertise in the subject. He should have guessed that two space men would have plenty to teach him about drinking. _And so they had_. Zaphod claimed to have invented a drink of his own, deemed "the best drink in the world" by many. He called it the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, and it was infamous for leaving its victims feeling like their brains had just been smashed by a gold brick wrapped in a slice of lemon. To Owen, it sounded quite delightful, so he had requested that Zaphod whip the three of them up a batch.

"Bloody hell, mate, that's incredible!" spluttered Owen, the alcohol burning in his throat. Zaphod laughed and poured himself another drink.

"Bottoms up, boys!" he shouted, and threw his head back. Owen nearly fell out of his chair in shock. Zaphod's head went back farther and farther; the force of his flung head seemed to be stretching the neck to its breaking point. Just as it seemed that his head could go back no more, a _second_ head had popped up from his neck! To top that off, another arm had flown out from under Zaphod's shirt, grabbed the drink from Zaphod's right hand, and tossed the contents into the mouth of the second head! As soon as it had swallowed, the second head and third arm vanished, Zaphod's normal head snapping back into place. "Sorry about that, just my second head. Apparently, you can't be president without a full brain, so I carved mine into two pieces."

Owen just sat there, his mouth hanging open in utter disbelief, then slowly turned to Zaphod saying, "Uhh, Zaphod… I'm going to need another drink."

Ianto had just finished handing out all the teas and coffees, when he looked around and noticed that everyone was busy mingling. _'Oh, great, he thought, now there's no one for __**me**__ to talk to_.' He walked over to the sofa and plopped down with a resigned sigh.

"Depressing isn't it?"

"AHH!!" Ianto jumped up, staring, wide-eyed at the sofa that had just _spoken_ to him. "Wh… What the…?"

"Oh it's just me," suddenly the android appeared on the couch.

"But how did you…?"

"Sometimes I turn on my perception filter, just to see if they will notice that I'm gone -- they never do."

"Oh." said Ianto, a bit disconcertedly. "What was your name again?"

"Marvin." Ianto sat back down, resuming his sad demeanor.

"It seems we have a bit in common, Marvin. Sometimes I wonder if my team would notice if I were gone all together. To them, I'm just the butler, servant, and tea-boy." Ianto looked woefully at Marvin and sipped his coffee.

Marvin slowly raised his eyes, and Ianto began to realize that he might have just finally met someone who could understand his feelings of deep disappointment. As the dismal pair began discussing how cheerless, sorrowful, and forlorn both their lives were, they felt a miserable weight being lifted. Marvin felt an unfamiliar warmth, kind of like a tickly massage, creeping around his circuits, and realized that he was actually _enjoying_ the conversation. '_What a strange feeling…' _he thought.

Just as these thoughts entered his mind (by coincidence the same moment his brain found the pattern in pi and the answer to why electrons have mass), a huge creature soared above him, emitting a loud shriek.

The Torchwood pterodactyl, Myfanwy, circled the air, then swooped down, speeding like lightning toward the crowd. Everyone screamed and ducked, as she zoomed just above their heads, a great rush of wind blasting them as she passed. Out of the roaring wind whimpered a familiar, small, resigned voice, "But, of course."

Everyone jumped to their feet, staring up in horror at the beast, who had now returned to her nest. Peering out from between its huge, scaly claws sat Marvin, looking a bit disoriented and quite a bit more put out than usual.

"It has Marvin!" Trillian shrieked.

"Oh God, what are we going to do?" Arthur shouted.

Jack leapt to attention. "Owen, begin preparing a sedative. Tosh, pull up the CCTV of Myfanwy's nesting area – we need to be able to see what she's doing with Marvin. Ianto, give me that coffee!" He gestured to the cup of espresso clutched in Ianto's trembling hand. Ianto raced over, and Jack tore the cup from his hand, downing its entire contents in one gulp, then shuddering, as the bitter liquid sent his taste buds haywire.

"Sir, I do believe I could help," said Ianto. "You know I've dealt with her before, I know how to help calm her down."

"Fine Ianto. Do what you need to do, you lot," he said gesturing towards the hitchhikers, "Go down that hallway, take the second door on your right and _stay_ there. It's just an empty room, but at least there, you can stay out of trouble… Wait, weren't there five of you including the android?" Jack looked around wildly, counting again. _'I see Trillian, Arthur, and that Zaphod fellow, but where is Ford?'_

"Ford, what the _hell_ are you doing?" Arthur shouted, seeing his friend rushing up the Hub stairs, making his way to Myfanwy's nest. Ford didn't respond, but just continued running, waving his flowery towel madly around his head, and bellowing out a loud war cry.

"Oh shit," said Jack. He tore after Ford, grabbing the syringe filled with sedative that Owen held out to him. Ianto was close behind, clutching 3 bars of chocolate and a steak under one arm.

High above, Ford had charged straight into Myfanwy's nest, snapping high kicks at her, and thrusting his towel threateningly in her direction. She gave a loud squawk, and went back to settling Marvin into her nest.

Jack finally reached the top of the stairs, with Ianto fast on his heels.

"Ford, **get out of there**!" Jack said sternly. Ford ignored him, inching closer toward the pterodactyl. "Great, now we have him to worry about, too."

"She thinks he's one of her eggs!" Ianto hissed to Jack. "She'll protect that egg with her life, but pterodactyls have a not-too-subtle way of helping their young out of their shells…"

"What's that then?" Jack whispered back.

"They smash it against the ground until it cracks."

"Oh, well that's just _great_. Not much chance that your chocolate and steak will be of any use in this situation, so I guess it's my job with the sedative."

"Jack, that's far too dangerous. Even though _you_ can't die, you could put Ford's life at risk. Our first priority must be to get him out of there."

"Ford, put the towel down and get back here NOW!" Jack screamed.

"And, don't scream," said Ianto as an after thought. Myfanwy reared her head, screeching at the top of her lungs. Looking very annoyed at Ford, she swung her massive wing towards him, and with a loud, _**WHACK!**_, he hit the wall with a groan and slid down to the floor, unconsciousness.

"Well now that _he's_ out of the way," Jack said. He lunged at Myfanwy, despite Ianto's attempts to hold him back. Myfanwy lashed out and caught Jack's arm with her beak, sending a jolt of pain through his entire body. Jack heard a loud _**SNAP!**_, as he felt his arm break, sending the syringe flying out of his hand. _'Well that was short lived,'_ he thought. Ianto pulled him back furiously.

"Why do you _**never**_ listen to me, Jack Harkness?" he yelled.

"Oi, you lot, get down here quick!" the Doctor shouted from the Hub floor. As usual, while everyone else had been squabbling around making a mess, _he_ had been working out a solution to the problem.

Jack rolled his eyes. The Doctor always showed him up whenever he was around. "Ianto, grab Ford and get him downstairs. I've broken my arm and it won't heal for a few hours."

"Yes sir," Ianto replied, with a tremble in his voice. Ianto managed to get Ford down onto the Hub sofa, and began trying to coax him into consciousness. Trillian hovered over Ford, looking anxious, while Arthur just sat with his head in his hands, wishing to be back in bed with a nice hot cup of tea. Zaphod, as usual, was fiddling with a strange object. Luckily, this time it was only an Earth TV remote control.

"So, are you going to let everyone in on your brilliant plan?" Jack asked the Doctor.

"Oh, yes, of course. Well, I have my sonic screwdriver here, and if I override the speakers and do some wavelength tweaking I should be able to get a certain pitch that, when played to a female pterodactyl, puts her right to sleep!" The Doctor said excitedly.

"Really, though," said Jack, looking less than amused.

"Oh fine, I plan to pump the vaporized sedative through her air vent."

"Now that's good thinking." Jack said, admittedly.

"Well, I am brilliant."

"Yeah, yeah, stop showing off. That's my job."

The Doctor grinned at Jack and pressed the button to release the sedative. "We just have to wait 5 minutes, and then we can go collect your friend Marvin," the Doctor reassured the hitchhikers, including Ford, who had finally come back around.

Within minutes, they had retrieved the ranting Marvin from Myfanwy's nest, and suddenly everyone felt famished.

"What do you say I order us some pizza and then we turn in for the night?" Ianto asked. He got many resounding "_Great's!_", a "_Hurry up, tea-boy, I'm starving",_ and a "_Why should I care? I don't eat anyway."_ from Marvin. Ianto sighed and went to the phone. _'Good Lord, I'm glad they will be gone tomorrow morning'_. Or should I say; or _so_ he thought.


End file.
